A letter to myself


Dearest Ash

I have been meaning to speak to you.

I’ve watched you lately and my heart breaks for you. You have stepped into a room of four walls – four walls that are covered with reasons to hate yourself. You choose not to close your eyes and listen to the voice that cheers you on – instead you are captivated by the words written on the wall.

  • “Not good enough.”
  • “Not stunning enough.”
  • “Try as you might – you will fail.”
  • “Not Christian enough.”
  • “Too much of a Christian.”
  • “Your tummy should be flat.”
  • “Your style should be different.”
  • “Your humour is offensive.”
  • “Your thinking is childlike.”
  • Change. Change. Change.”

I have seen you turn away out of shame when there is a mirror in the room. I have seen you point inwardly to your heart and pour out hate into it. I have seen your hatred towards this heart of yours – I have heard you name your heart, “Selfish”, “Hard”, “Broken” and “Closed”. You are not comfortable being who you are, so you try and try to be different.

You hate yourself so that you won’t be hurt when people don’t approve of you – you play an ‘I beat you to it’ game. Your heart is closed and your eyes are open.

But Ash – close your eyes and open your heart – listen closely now. There is a whisper in the wind that turns into a roar and there is a light that will blind you to the things if this world.

He is saying to you – “My Ash, there is grace for you, there is grace to be yourself for the rest of your life. My grace will always be enough to cover what you lack – to bring you up out of darkness and failure into righteousness and light. When you are weak – when you feel like you are a failure, when you fall and when you cannot stand – that is when my power is made to be complete. If your salvation and forgiveness were based on how righteous you acted then my grace would not be grace.

So now – my dear Ash know this – Christ’s death was not meant to reveal how sinful you are, his death was meant to reveal how valuable you are. His grace is wrapped up in you – it is wrapped all around you. His grace goes before you and covers each space of ground that your foot touches. You have grace to move and to be free – grace is constantly labouring – it is never still.

The old self will fall away – the self that is not you, and as the old falls away there is a whisper crying out, “There is beauty in broken and in dying things, the old falls away so that the new may be restored and beautiful.”

So be still Ash and know that grace has done your part – you are you for Gods delight, you are you for Gods glory.


2 thoughts on “A letter to myself

  1. Dearest Ashley…this is for me too… my heart has felt the same. Thank you for your obedience in writing this, it was meant for us too who are doubting everything about who God says we are. Bless you x


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